death – The Bless Your Heart Blog

He Is

Today is one of my favorite days of the year when it pertains to church. Being Palm Sunday, all the cute little kiddos parade down the aisles of the church waving their palm branches proclaiming, “Hosanna! Hosanna! Hosanna to the King!”

After we all ooed and awwed over their cuteness and returned to worship ourselves, the weight of Palm Sunday really dropped into my heart. As I was thinking about Jesus, Palm Sunday marked the beginning of the end. As He rode into Jerusalem to ultimately meet His death, He was greeted with such celebration and splendor with people laying down their branches and coats in submission and allegiance to Him. Hosanna…

As I think back on my life, I feel like the one name or attribute of the Lord that is most marked for me is that of Hosanna. He IS the God who saves.

He has saved me from a life of mediocrity. I know a lot of lukewarm Christians…or followers that believe the Lord exists but don’t truly have a vibrant and thriving relationship with Him. Most of my life, those were the only kind of people I knew. When I entered college, the Lord changed that for me. Through some incredible mentors and an extremely handsome guy named Wrex, the Lord showed me what a real relationship and walk with Him looked like and I’ve never looked back. I’m big on living a life of excellence and that has to start with Jesus.

He has saved me from mediocrity in other ways, too. For me, there were certain areas of my life that I always assumed would look exactly like what I’d seen lived out in front of me, even though I desired something different. I can admit that I had high hopes for marriage but there was a part of me that was skeptical. Did the type of relationship I hungered for really exist? Today, I can attest that it does, indeed. Because I was obedient to follow His lead (even though that meant hurting someone else), the Lord gave me an amazing husband! My relationship with Wrex and my kids is something I treasure (and try not to idolize!) and I’m so glad I didn’t settle in my search for Mr. Right.

He has saved me from warped views regarding myself. I went through a period of my life where I felt like I just wasn’t good enough…for anyone, anywhere. I wasn’t smart enough for these people, I wasn’t wealthy enough for these people, I wasn’t thin enough for these people, I wasn’t outgoing enough for these people, I wasn’t funny enough for these people…I wasn’t ever enough. Sadly, I held these people in the highest of regards (at the time) and I can look back now and see how they really reinforced these ugly things I had started to believe about myself simply by the way they were treating me. It’s taken a lot of years to untangle some of those webs and I wouldn’t even say that they’re all undone, but I do know that the Lord has used some people from the opposite end of the spectrum – people who really “see” me – to save me from those lies and help set me free with the truth.

He saved me from my own stupidity. Poor decisions, poor choices, flat out disobedience… Times I should’ve been dead. Times I shouldn’t have made it out of horrible circumstances. Times I should’ve had stiffer consequences. Times I should’ve never been given a second chance, yet time and time again He has shed His grace on me with loving-kindness and patience.

He saved my life. Literally, my life. There are memories related to my health and well-being engrained in my mind that still cause me anxiety. There are times I made poor choices and He was merciful to me. There are times when I was trying to be tough and probably should’ve gone to the hospital but He was my healer. There have been times where I’ve just had some of the weirdest, freak incidents and He has spared me every single time. Even this winter with the tumor on my thyroid, His mighty hand has saved me (literally!) again and again and again.

He saved my life, my whole life. I am not a slave to death. He paid the ultimate price through His death and resurrection and I get to LIVE because of that. Not just in the here and now…forever.

Palm Sunday is the beginning of the end…but it’s also the beginning of the beginning. The beginning of the new covenant…the beginning of our salvation through faith…the beginning of the cleansing of our sin…the realization of Hosanna…the God who saves.

Signed, Sealed, Delivered

Several years ago, I did a study on covenant (and I’ve written about it here before). To say it changed my life and the way I understood the Lord and His word is a COMPLETE understatement. It. was. AMAZING and completely fascinating. (It’s honestly, one of my favorite things to talk about EVER so if you have questions, let’s chat!)

In studying Abraham, the topic of covenant comes up again. In Biblical times, people would “cut a covenant” as a way of making a binding, holy, irrevocable contract. To cut a covenant, they would perform a covenant ceremony.

I won’t go into a lot of detail here but we’ll use Wrex and Stef as an example. Not every culture did every step but as a whole, it looked like this:

Exchange of robes – which symbolized the exchange of identities
1. Wrex would wear Stef’s coat and Stef would now wear Wrex’s
2. If they were seen walking from afar, someone would think Wrex was Stef or Stef was Wrex because they were wearing the other’s coat
3. It creates a melding or confusion of identities
Exchange of belts – which symbolized the exchange of strengths or assets
1. Whatever strength Wrex brings to the relationship, Stef now has; whatever strength Stef brings to the relationship, Wrex now has
Exchange of weapons – which symbolized the exchange of enemies
1. Stef’s enemies would now have to come through Wrex first and Wrex’s through Stef – we will fight for each other
Sacrificial flesh
1. animal split down middle
Walk of death
1. Wrex would walk through the middle of the split animal in a figure eight pattern; Stef would do the same. When they were finished, they would be back where they started, facing each other.
Striking of hands
1. Each person would make an incision on their hand or wrist and intermingle their blood
2. Some cultures still do this and use gunpowder to create a dark scar
3. This scar would be a visible sign of a covenant
4. Circumcision was a sign that you were in covenant with the Lord
Pronouncements of blessings and curses
1. Wrex/Stef, as long as you obey the covenant terms, blessed you shall be as you lie down and when you wake, when you go out and when you retrun
2. BUT, if you ever disavow or violate the terms of the covenant, cursed shall you be! What has happened to this split animal, may it happen to thee.
Covenant meal
1. Wrex feeds Stef, Stef feed Wrex (think of cake at a wedding)
2. As you eat this, you are ingesting me…taking me into your life (and vice versa)
Exchange of names
1. Wrex becomes Wrex Phipps Hedrick
2. Stef becomes Stef Hedrick Phipps
Sealing of the covenant
1. Test it/prove it/see if it’s real

So those are the steps to cutting a covenant. Isn’t that fascinating?! Marriage is as close as we get to creating a blood covenant (it can still be broken through divorce) so you can see a lot of how those steps pertain to a wedding ceremony…

If that’s not fascinating enough, let’s look at it through the lens of Jesus creating a covenant with us in the New Testament. So this time, let the parties be Jesus and Stef…

Exchange of robes – exchange of identities
1. Stef gets a robe of righteousness; Jesus gets a robe of sinfulness
2. Every time the Father looks at Stef, all He sees is righteousness
Exchange of belts – exchange of strengths
1. Stef gets every strength and power Jesus has; we can walk in His authority
Exchange of weapons – exchange of enemies
1. Stef’s enemy? Death. Jesus took on death and beat it when He arose from the grave after 3 days
2. Jesus’ enemy? Satan – who Stef battles now (Ephesians 6)
Sacrificial flesh
1. Jesus was the living sacrifice; He hung on a cross and died and at his death, the veil of the temple was torn in two (Matthew 25)
Walk of death
1. To be in covenant with and follow Jesus, we have to lay down our life and follow His (Matthew 16)
2. We are dying to self and following Him
Striking of hands
1. Jesus’ hands/wrists upon being nailed to cross
2. Circumcision of the heart
  1. I will walk in righteousness and disallow sinfulness
Blessings and curses – this one’s interesting
1. There are SO many blessings and promises He has for us under the New Covenant through His death (I’ll never leave you or forsake you, I’ll supply all your needs, we are a joint heir with Christ ) – but were are the curses?
2. Curses are no more. Our sin was the curse and through Him taking our sin through death, they are no more
Covenant meal
1. Lord’s supper
Name exchange
1. We take on His name – christian – one who is of Christ
2. Son of Man – Jesus is identified many times in this way in the New Testament; He took on our name (man)
Sealing of covenant

This is the one that got me….number ten. Like, really got me.

To test the covenant, covenant partners would exchange their oldest sons. That’s pretty serious business, yes? Bearing we weren’t married and just using my first example from above, Wrex would handover his oldest son to me and I would hand over my oldest son to him.

So, look at it through the lens of the New Testament covenant. Our Father sacrificed His oldest Son, Jesus, to prove to us the covenant is real…it’s true…it can be trusted. The things He promises us through it WILL be brought to fruition! Because Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice, we don’t have to sacrifice anything in a living sense. Our sacrifice is spiritual; we must die to ourselves and allow Him to be in charge of our lives.

Now, look at that through the lens of Abraham. Remember what the Lord had him do? He asked him to sacrifice Isaac. Can you even imagine?!

Isaac wasn’t a young man at this time; he was able to carry a bundle of wood up a mountain (for his own sacrifice, mind you). Abraham loved and trusted the Lord enough that he was going to be obedient no matter the cost. If he lost Isaac, he would lose everything; Isaac was the one and only heir to all he had been promised by the Lord…

And so he did. They climbed the mountain and just as Abraham was about to kill Isaac, an angel of the Lord stopped him. The Lord had seen that Abraham was serious about this test and the covenant they had made together so the Lord spared Isaac.

As I was studying this last step, I was overcome with emotion. The sealing of the covenant. I don’t know that I could do what Abraham did… I’d like to think I could, but would I? I began to wonder what in my life IS the sign of the covenant I have with the Lord? What has He asked me to sacrifice, and what have I sacrificed, as a sign of His covenant with me? What have I given over that says to Him, I am keeping my end of the deal…that I’m upholding our covenant together?

That really struck me and caused a lot of serious introspection. Does my life look like I’m in a covenant with the one true God?

The beautiful thing about this covenant is it’s a Suzerain Covenant, which is a covenant not between equals, but a covenant when one person has everything and the other has nothing. Kinda like me and Jesus.

All He desires is my loyalty and commitment, which does involve sacrifice, doesn’t it?

We can’t be in covenant with Him and be serious about it and continue on living a life of repetitive sin.

We can’t be in covenant with Him and be serious about it and make decisions based upon our fears or wants or desires without ever asking Him what He has for us.

We can’t be in covenant with Him and be serious about it if we don’t make room for Him as a priority in our lives.

We can’t be in covenant with Him and be serious about it if we continue to water down the truth of the Word and make our own interpretations of right and wrong.

It’s been something that’s been rolling around my head and heart the past couple of weeks and I’m aiming to keep my end of the deal.

I know that I will sin.

I know that my record won’t be perfect.

I know I will fall short.

And I know that the work He did on the cross and His grace alone will cover these things, but I still wanna do my best to live a life that’s signed over to Him…a life sealed with a covenant…a life of witness to the deliverance He’s set forth in me.

Imperfection Does Not Equal Failure

Last week, Wrex and I attended the funeral of the patriarch of his former employer. Gene Ritchey died at the ripe old age of 86. He was, truly, one of the kindest most innovative men the world has ever known.

Gene is credited with creating the first ear tag for cattle that allowed producers to individually identify livestock. To date, his is the only ear tag on the market that won’t fade! Wrex and I got to travel for the company the year after Sawyer was born promoting the tags across the US and it as one of my favorite years ever. It’s an incredible product and easy to back. 🙂

Gene was always thinking, always creating, always trying to make things better. He was at the shop every single day, working on templates and presses and machines; he was their very own one-man research and development department. At nights, after the staff had gone home, the phone would ring to his living room so he could assist customers across the globe so they didn’t have to talk to a machine.

We lived on the same property as he did and it wasn’t the easiest place to find. There were several occasions where the pizza delivery man went to his house by mistake and it was a rare occasion when they pizza guy showed up at our place and the bill wasn’t paid. That stinker!

He made Wrex and I’s wedding bands…turned them and engraved them all himself. Wrex’s got lost in the Poudre River and mine got lost in the last move. I’d give anything to have those back…

He always had a sweet smile and kind word for us and loved to dote on Sawyer.

She was just a tiny thing at the time and he’d hold and rock and coo with her to beat the band. He made an incredible pancake with a homemade caramel syrup that was to die for and he was never lacking in interesting conversation or corny jokes. 🙂 He loved to watch the History Channel and the Discovery Channel and he and Wrex could talk that stuff for hours.

Gene held hundreds (if not thousands) of patents for things he’d created and invented and bettered over the years. He was always, always trying something new. Two of my favorite inventions were the energy drink he made for himself out of instant coffee and orange juice concentrate (and who knows what else!) and the contraption he made that allowed him fewer walks to the restroom which included a tube and a ziploc bag…I’ll let you use your imagination on that one! HA!

Gene loved the Lord and he loved his family and we had the privilege of being treated like one of them.

His funeral was an honor to his life and the legacy he has left behind. There were so many poignant things that were said regarding him, but one of the things that struck me the hardest last week was the subject of failure. It’s something I’ve heard time and time again – never be afraid to fail – but it’s never resonated with me like it did at his service.

Just like any inventor, Gene had some huge successes, but he also had his fair share of failures; ideas that never panned out, prototypes that never worked, products that didn’t sell…but never once do I think of those things when I think of him.

Doesn’t the same go for us? Just because we stick our neck out and try something new and aren’t wildly successful at it doesn’t make us a failure. If our speech wasn’t perfectly polished or we didn’t sell as many crafts as our neighbor or our friend had more likes on Facebook or the car we bought blew up in our face or our scale still had too many numbers after weeks of dieting or the gourmet dinner tasted like cat food or {insert a glaring failure here} doesn’t mean that we are a loser or destined for the bottom rung of the corporate ladder or unworthy of love…it just means that the thing you did wasn’t perfect. And who can claim to be perfect, anyways?

I think the black-and-white brain I have always has the tendency to separate things into two categories and only two categories. Black or white. Right or wrong. True or false. Success of failure. For some things, that theory holds true…but for others? Not so much.

I’ll be honest, I like to do things with excellence. If I’m going to spend my time and resources doing something, I want to go all out and do it to the best of my ability. Perfection would be my preference…

Just because I fail (read – wasn’t perfect at) one thing doesn’t mean that it wasn’t successful in some form. And even if it really was an all out failure, it doesn’t mean I’m any less of a person or any less worthy of love or friendship or any less loved by the Father or have any smaller chance of success in the future… Sometimes it really is those stumbling blocks that propel us forward anyway.

I’m guessing some of you reading this are like, “uh….duh…” but it really, really hit me hard last week. I’ve been holding back on sooooooooo many things out of the fear of failure or the fear of imperfection.

But it got me thinking…what IS the worst that could happen??

I remember the day I started this blog. I knew I was supposed to…the Lord had provided everything I needed…I had my content… I wrote my first post really fast, slammed the computer shut and didn’t open it for HOURS. WHO CARES if I only have 12 readers (including my parents and my husband)? It was an act of obedience and I enjoy it and it’s a written legacy for my kids to have one day. That? Is success in my book.

So, if you’re reading this and a light bulb went off in your head, I encourage you to be fearless! Imperfection does not equal failure. Start that project, write that book, make that recipe, design that product, cut that hair, sew that fabric, toil that ground, let your imagination run wild! Above all else, if the Lord has instructed you do something…by golly, do it. Do it. Get out there and do it!

The Sunday before his funeral, momma-Jeanie posted this blog and I left that tab open on my computer for days…days! Then, the message at the funeral. I love how the Lord confirms Himself in multiple ways so that we really get it…

So don’t give up your day dream, as they say, even if it’s looking dead. Every possible chance for it to live again is in the shriveled, dried up grain of a plan, a hope, a heart’s wish. You never know who might come along and give you another chance, or even more. The life is in the seed. *poof!

Let’s be fearless and fruitful together! Here’s to living a life unafraid of failure; a life that isn’t measured by perfection…

Thank you, Grandpa Gene, for inspiring us even in your death…you will be missed.

Goodbye Sure Aint Easy

We said goodbye to this handsome fella today.

Hard day around here.

We’ve known it’s been coming for a while and I have no doubt he is no longer suffering or miserable or in pain…still a hard thing.

We got Trigger from a friend the first year we were married. (I’ve known him longer than my kids or most of my friends!) I’ve always loved these dogs (Chinese Cresteds) but they aren’t cheap. No way I was gonna pay $1000 for a dog!

A lady we knew in Northern Colorado raised show dogs and Trigger’s ears didn’t stand up properly so she kept him as a pet. Unfortunately, he liked to chase cars and they lived right on the road so she gifted him to us.

He was a snuggly, spunky guy!

His favorite place to be was in your lap…or chasing goats or a four-wheeler! He thought he was a bonafide farm dog and he sure made himself fit right in!

He was my (second) main man all those days and nights when Wrexy was working late. He went to work with me on occasion and he always garnered lots of attention.

Sporting "highlights" — Sporting “highlights”

He was a little bit of a high maintenance dog. Winters were hard because he had no body hair and summers were hard because he would get burned if we didn’t put sunscreen on him. He took some work, but he brought us a lot of joy!

The way he ran around the farm when we were in Brighton was almost inspiring. He loved life and showed it!

He dropped in rank as the kids were born and slowly started getting more arthritic and less active. The last six months have been really hard on him and today was his day.

Trigger Digger, we love you buddy. You were a good ole friend…and you’ll be missed, it’s true.

We all spent some time telling him goodbye before we left for church this morning. Sawyer took it harder than I thought she might. (He had gotten kinda cranky in his old age and often tried to bite her. Sweet girl still showered him with love.) Poor sweetie cried a lot this morning, as did her momma. She laid in his bed with him, church clothes and all, and hugged him and cried before we walked out the door. It was a sad and beautiful thing.

I know this will be just the beginning of loss she will experience in this old world but it didn’t make it any easier on this momma’s heart.

We praised Jesus for the time we had with him and we thanked him that Trigger’s no longer sore and miserable.

We love you, buddy!

I’m Trying

A friend of mine from high school just lost her sweet four year old baby girl. She had a bacterial infection that turned septic and is now in the arms of Jesus.

I found out last Friday night and was so shocked and dumb founded. I was breezing through Facebook and I saw her post and thought it was going to say her daughter was having a birthday or was getting a new sibling or something…anything but that.

Having a sweet little four year old myself, it hit me pretty hard…as most things dealing with death or mommies and babies often do. I sat weeping in my chair for a good ten minutes, crying out to the Lord on their behalf. How incredibly, ridiculously unfair…

One of my biggest fears is to lose my babies…especially too soon. How soon is too soon? Would there EVER be a good enough amount of time that it would be ok for them to go? No. Not yet, Lord. Not yet.

I often feel like I’ve led a decently charmed life. I grew up in a home with two parents, even if their love and marriage wasn’t perfect. We never wanted for much and my parents did everything in their power to make sure that we were more than provided for. They were never sick or seriously injured, nor was my brother or I; we didn’t face any catastrophic childhood diseases or lose a parent before we were married. I wasn’t bullied, nor did I struggle in school with making friends or with academics or with extracurricular success. I married a man that is so much more than I ever dreamed or imagined. We’re out of debt, have 2.6 beautiful, healthy, happy children. We don’t want for much and are blessed more than we even deserve. We haven’t experienced a devastating loss or blow or catastrophe…

When you hear stories about kiddos dying or you turn on the news or venture out past your own front porch…you start to wonder…when is it gonna be my time? When will I be the one holding the cards of doom? When will it be my family that’s going through the agonizing pain of loss? Because, isn’t it due me???

Do you ever feel that way? The defense system in me rises up to be prepared and to take all the steps necessary so THAT doesn’t happen…but that’s not even remotely possible. How do we shield ourselves and our family from every kind of evil or every bacteria or virus or every freak accident or every decision of everyone around us? We can’t. We’d be exhausted. We’d be spent. We’d be dry and weary and empty. Don’t ask me how I know…

These precious people I get to call my family are just far better than I ever imagined they’d be. In my wildest of dreams, I couldn’t have designed a better group of people to share my days with; they are just something else…and the thought of losing any or all of them makes me physically ill.

I am continually dragging myself back to the foot of the cross, laying my family down again and again and again. I KNOW He loves them more than I do (so hard to really grasp that, isn’t it??) and I have to trust that He will protect them better than I ever could…or believe that I could. It’s a process. And it’s going to continue to be a process for me.

Part of the “laying down” is going to have to involve more than just my family, more than just “my arrows.” It’s a laying down of what I think my life should look like. If I truly believe He is sovereign and good and that His ways are best, I have to choose to believe that whatever story gets written for me is good and best. I’m not quite there yet, I’ll be honest. How in the world can losing your little girl be His best for someone?? For anyone??

I don’t want to find out. And that’s the crazy part, isn’t it?? That His best might involve loss, yet we hold on so tightly because we don’t want to have to walk through the bouts of sometimes agonizing pain that are sure to come just to see the other side. Is it worth it? I don’t even think I want to know…

And not that His best always includes THAT kind of loss…but there’s always a loss of something; something we have to lay down for our own good…for His best. That’s part of following Christ, isn’t it? We can’t keep holding onto the same old sinful things and expect life to be different. To live your life you’ve got to lose it…

I ran across this post from a friend of a friend who has struggled through more than her fair share of loss in the past two years. Her strength and resiliency and faith have moved me and astounded me more than I can put into words. She wrote this on January 1st of this year; the timing of her writing and my reading was not lost on me. Maybe it’s time for something new…

It was appropriately titled – Lay It Down. (Full credit to Lindsey Dennis of vaporandmist.wordpress.com…my hyperlink button isn’t working)

My rights to how my family may form
My rights to watch a little baby grow up
My rights to what my life “should” look like

Lay it down
he says
Lay it down…
lose your life and you will find it. – Matthew 10:39

It is often not until the expectations of your life come to a crashing halt
disappointment ensues
that you realize you had any expectations at all,
that you were holding on to your life.

It is the privilege, the blessing of the sufferers,
the disappointed
the broken hearted
to learn to lay it down-
to wrestle in the laying down-
to know HIM in the laying down.

And the laying down gives us room –
Room to dream.
Room to breath.
Room to hope,
to hope in the one who is the author of hope
to hope that all will not be as expected,
it will be far greater
it will be true living
when we lay it down.

To know that he knows the way we take. -Job 23:10
He directs our steps. -Proverbs 16:9
And He knows, He Knows, He KNOWS…
The why of the blessing that has come in a form you never thought would be the way he would ask you to take…
The blessed to be a blessing.

We were blessed with two daughters in the past two years, but for a moment.
To be a blessing both now and to come.

And I’m laying down the “to come”
Because just as this year I anticipated a different path to joy our lives would take,
a baby in our arms, in our home…
I could never have written what unfolded.
It was and is broken and beautiful.
And still the grace that has been given in the broken pieces is finding a way to feed our souls,
To direct our steps
To be multiplied into the lives of others.

I want to plan this next year,
anticipate,
hope
for the blessings I think best.

Lay it down
he says
and
I will give you ALL.

The blessing has been Him. ALL him. Always him.
We just sometimes can’t see it or want it to be different or think that the fullness of joy can’t really come from simply just His presence.

“No good thing does he withhold from him whose walk is blameless”
-Psalm 84:11

The goodness is Jesus, redemption, rescue, grace.
Jesus in the pain. Jesus in the joy.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

“I count all as loss compared to the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.”
-Philippians 3:8

That’s how good it is to know him.
I see it more in the loss,
in the laying down.

“And suffering produces endurance
and endurance produces character
and character produces hope.
And hope does not disappoint.“
-Romans 8:3-5

The kind of hope that comes from the love of God
poured down
poured in
poured through
poured out.

Lay it down.

It’s the only way to love, to hope, to joy…
the kind we really want,
the kind we really need.
the kind that will pour out blessing upon blessing,
not the material kind-
the eternal kind.
The blessings that matter.

Lay down your rights,
your dreams,
your hopes,
your expectations

To the one who Loves. Who is LOVE. Who pours Love out and in and through and around…
and covers us with his love in more ways then we could imagine. -Ephesians 3:20

And let him rebuild
renew
restore
with dreams far greater
hopes unexpected
JOY found in the most unlikely of places.

It comes in the suffering
the trials
the broken pieces
the mundane places

This is where we either lay it down, or clench our fists.
This is where we learn to hope or walk the bitter path.

It is a constant, daily, moment by moment surrender.

It is a life of laying down our lives… to the one who laid down his life for us.

It is a life where beauty is found in the surrender.

Oh Lord, let this be a year of laying it down.
Of counting all as loss compared to knowing you.
That I would know more deeply what the Psalmist says:
“In your presence there is fullness of Joy.” -Psalm 16:11

It is you Jesus. Always you.
And tomorrow when I forget,
and I clench my fists and hold on to my dreams,
remind me to lay it down.
That YOU are where life is found.

I’m trying, Lord….