So yesterday, I wrote about my Mema. And today? I have to brag on the Lord.
I think you may have picked up on it yesterday, but I have carried soooooooo much guilt in my heart for the past 10 years about her passing.
I think most of the guilt stems from that last time I saw her, the day she passed, as I mentioned in the blog. It was just so hard for me. I absolutely stink at awkward situations because they affect me (and hurt me) so much…which I’m slowly learning just isn’t an excuse.
Everything I blogged about was all I remembered… I remember that my parents and my brother were there and my dad’s brother, but that’s all I remembered. I remember we drove all the way back to Colorado that night, but I don’t remember a ton else. I didn’t remember really telling her goodbye or going near her and it has hurt all these years. How could I not?? How could I not just wrap her up in a huge hug and make sure she knew that I loved the stuffing out of her?
Last night, I cried for almost four hours off and on! I was just telling the Lord that I KNOW guilt isn’t from Him – I know that – I just couldn’t pin point why I was feeling it so heavily. I asked Him to help me to assuage that guilt…to receive the grace I have no doubt that my Mema would’ve given. I just wanted to make sure she knew I loved her…
Some of my cousins replied and shared good memories and it was so sweet to see how much they loved her, too. Truly a testament of her love for us.
I woke up this morning and I had a message in my inbox and when I saw the little red 1, I assumed it was from a cousin like before………but it wasn’t. It was my brother.
And? He was used as an answer to my prayer.
He said this:
Hey fyi you weren’t selfish in mema’s final moments…. I can remember that day very clearly and while you were standoffish at first, Wanda started talking to her and you and you sat on the bed with her for a few min…. It was a hard day but she knows you loved her very much and that it was hard for you to see her that way…. Love you stef
OH. MY. GOODNESS. He remembered what I couldn’t! I had totally forgotten that Wanda (who was a special, older cousin to us. I distinctly remember being little, little, little and EVERY time we saw her, she sang “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine” to me. Still can’t hardly listen to that song without crying) was there! After he said that, I COMPLETELY remembered! And I do remember sitting on her bed next to her tiny body and petting her hand.
I don’t know what I said, if anything, but I’m so glad to know that I didn’t just stand against the back wall and just be present…
My goodness.
I’m just in such awe this morning. Thank you, Lord, for answering my prayer…for healing my heart…and for a brother who took time out of his day to make sure I knew that.
While I’ve had a few more tears this morning and find myself fighting the enemy, I do feel so much freer. It still feels raw and there’s lots of emotion, but it feels different. It’s like I can smile through the tears…
He is so good, friends. He wants us whole…and free…and healed. This little story is living proof of that.