Little Coats

I don’t think I ever knew how much I would love to have little coats hanging in my mudroom.

I went through a phase in my life where I didn’t want to have kids.  I was scared to death of the thought of carrying one in my womb, much less the birthing process.  Thanks to Hollywood, the (apparent) pain and screaming and grimacing and cursing and squeezing and pushing just didn’t seem worth it.  On top of that, it felt like the world just kept getting meaner and meaner and I just couldn’t stomach the thought of making a child live in it.  It felt so unfair, so risky, so irresponsible.

I still remember sitting at our dining table talking to Wrex about the perils of the world and in those very seconds, the Lord revealed such sweet wisdom to me.  He showed me how the world would never stop being mean and nasty, especially if there wasn’t another generation to rise up and bring people to His Son.

Mind changed.  And I’m oh so glad it did.

These two have brought more joy to our lives than I could have ever dreamed or imagined.  They love so unconditionally and forgive so fully and show love so willingly.  They are so pure of heart and gentle in spirit; they make me want to be better and do better and say better and act better and think better.

Our life looks nothing like it did pre-children and there are things I miss about it just being the two of us.  I miss the small amount of responsibility I once had…the way we could pick up and go somewhere on a whim…the uninterrupted conversations…the quick meal times and long snuggle times…the way the house would stay clean and picked up for weeks on end…but there will be time enough for all of that again one day.  Yes, there’s more laundry and more dirty diapers…there’s fewer showers and more time-outs…there’s more correcting and less vegging…there’s more stuff scattered about and longer to-do lists that rarely get done…

But I’ve come to cherish those things.  All that I feel I’ve lost, is lost not.  And even if it was, I have gained so much more.

The little notes that get left around on my things, just to say “I love you” in one of the biggest ways she knows how…

The tiny cups of “tea” she makes for me when we come in from playing outside…

The way he always has a smile ready and waiting to send my way…

The pictures I find on my phone that show the things in her world that catch her eye…

The way she finds a flower for me every time we’re outside…

The way he’s always up for an adventure, even if it involves something pink…

The toys she leaves in my spaces because she wants them “to be like mommy’s”…

Oh, man – I have lost naught.  Those two sweeties are my heart outside of my body.  They are why I do this blogging thing. They are why my husband works so hard incredibly hard to provide for our family so I can stay home to pour into them.  They are our reward and our blessing.

It just seems like those little coats keep getting bigger and bigger, quicker and quicker.  I want to slam on the brakes and put my hands over the rest of the numbers on the calendar and just force the time to STOP.  Because there are days I didn’t do it right and need a second chance…there are memories I want to ingrain in my mind to re-live again and again…there is so much left to do with them while they’re little and I want to make sure we get it all done…there are more things for them to leave about the house so that I’m constantly reminded how empty this life would be without them.

Good gravy, I just don’t want this time to slip right through my fingers; I want to make it count.  I want the wearers of these little coats to know that the Lord loves them exceptionally more than I ever could and that I love them a whole, whole, whole heackuva lot..and still will, even when their coats aren’t so little anymore.